Every year during the holidays, a moment hits where I find myself thinking back on how my alcoholism had ruled my life and how my alcoholic drinking (and thinking) impacted everyone around me despite every bit of my youthful (and ridiculously arrogant) denial. 

It’s been more than 3 decades since I hit my bottom. Thankfully, a savvy psychotherapist sent me to Alcoholics Anonymous where I worked the Twelve Steps with a sponsor, and was gifted with sobriety. But I will never forget what I heard at that first AA meeting about “surrender” that made all the difference to this stubborn drunk!

At my first AA meeting, a crusty old guy in a beat-up leather jacket got up to the podium to share. Back then, noting his advanced years and his worn out clothes, I never imagined him having anything I might care to hear. But, boy-oh-body, was I ever wrong!

In a deep, rumbling voice, he said the following words that changed my life forever, “Despite all the crazy problems that came with it, I was NEVER interested in “surrendering” my drinking. Forty years later, It’s very clear to me now that I didn’t understand the word. “Surrender” isn’t about “giving in” to the enemy. Surrender is letting go of control – just agreeing to try another way.” 

His words really hit me. Trying another way. That’s all that AA was asking me to do – try another way. Clearly, after another night of drinking (that had ended VERY BADLY), it was time for me to “try another way.”

I had grown up in a very small, rural community where alcoholics were everywhere (and many of them were related to me). I wasn’t raised in a home impacted by divorce. In retrospect, that would have likely been quite a blessing! Instead, my parents remained married. But they absolutely hated each other – and they and fought constantly! 

At only 5 years of age, I could tell their marriage was NOT hearts and flowers. It was broken dishware, yelling at the top of their lungs, and viciously shoving one another! I begged them to stop! But the best I could do was stand by helplessly, and watch.  

Given their near-endless fights and all the work on the farm, I was often made responsible for my younger sister (even though I was barely 2 years her senior). When things got especially rough, I was shuffled off to the creepy neighbor, where bad things happened to me under his lecherous care. The insanity just never seemed to end. It’s a wonder that “trauma” isn’t my middle name!

Growing up certainly wasn’t fun. Consequently, my first drink of hard liquor couldn’t come fast enough. It was a BAD drunk. But it was a HUGE awakening and MASSIVE escape that I had longed for! So, although I was horribly sick and hungover after that first binge drinking spree, I did it again. And again. And again. High school and college were filled with drunken nights and black-out weekends where I would awaken not knowing where I was or where I had been. Not exactly the safest way of life for anyone, let alone a young woman wanting to escape life on the farm for the big city! 

The responsibility of giving birth slowed me down, but it didn’t stop me. My bottom turned out to be a drunken night that ended with me driving my car into a pole in my own parking garage. 

Finding AA gave me relief from all that unrelenting insanity. It taught me to seek something greater than me – a Higher Power – for strength and wisdom. AA taught me to take responsibility for my actions, behaviors, and choices – what my sponsor refers to as the “ABCs” of what IS within my control. And AA taught me to clean house (by working the Twelve Steps. AA  then taught me to work with others. I learned how to could carry the message, and to remain sane and sober while doing so – pretty GREAT STUFF!

Today, I’m a sober member of AA who serves at both the level of my local meetings, as well as at the general service level, where I’m active on the PI/CPC committee, helping to inform the general public and professionals about AA so that anyone who wants to stop drinking can come to know who we are, what we do, and how to find us. 

Thanks to AA, I’ve come to know peace, and something I thought I’d never experience: happiness, joy, and freedom from the bondage of self! Working the steps cracked me open to the sunlight of the Spirit. It led me to see and own my part in the crazy alcoholic life I had come to live. AA helped me become entirely ready to have my Higher Power remove my defects of character – and then humbly ask they be removed. And, AA taught me how to make direct amends for the harms I had caused, and to continue to take a daily inventory to keep my side of the street clean!

AA, and my wonderful sponsor, also helped me to seek “outside help” for the things that happened to me as a child, things over which I had no control, or part. What an amazing journey of recovery and healing that I’ve been blessed to know!

The disease of alcoholism is never cured. But the life of a sober alcoholic in AA can be one of sweetness, great friends, and loving service. That’s a life truly worth living!

I am forever grateful to AA for teaching me about surrender. I just needed to let go of control, and try another way: the way of AA and the Twelve Steps to a spiritual awakening!

• A grateful, sober AA Member